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Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

This lady and less fancy ones make me cry.
I’m going to go out on a limb and tell you a desire that I don’t tell very many people about, and I’ll tell you why I don’t talk a lot about this little desire of mine. Ok, here goes. Deep breath. I. Want. A. Baby. Like I really really want a baby. When I see pregnant women I tear up. When I hear about another chick I went to college or high school with who has been married for 2 months and is pregnant I am irrationally angry, and the teen girls on MTV’s Teen Mom frustrate me and stir up jealousy I never knew I had. This darn clock is kicking my butt!

But, we’ve been married 14 months and this year has not reaped the blessings that would make me feel comfortable to raise a child in. It is not quite time. Now there are many reasons why I don’t openly talk about this desire. First of all there are so many other things in this life that I long for that go beyond motherhood. And I didn’t marry Mark just so he could hurry up and knock me up. I didn’t get married to have babies. My marriage is important to me and it is the biggest blessing in my life. My husband and our marriage will always be the best thing that happened to me (next to Jesus), even after babies. I always want my priorities to be (in this exact order) Jesus-Mark-(children)-Parents-Siblings-other friends and family. I don’t ever want to the convey to the world that marriage is fun and lovey dovey for a couple months or a year and then you have kids and the kids are fun, and your spouse goes on the back burner into the roommate zone. I have loved (almost) every second of being married to Mark; I am not lonely or unsatisfied. So I don’t want speak out loud about my desire to have a baby because I don’t want that desire to undermine my love and commitment to Mark. I don’t want to be a (stereo)typical Christian couple that gets married and then squirts out a couple of kids right away. And I’m not quite sure I buy the idea that if you’re a Christian married couple it is your responsibility to have children.

This creeps a lot of people out but I love it!
Being a mom also scares the crap out me. I know that I am capable of caring for infants and children, I know that I have a lot of love in me, but I also know that my life will never be the same. My biggest fear in becoming a mother is giving up my freedom, giving up spending all my free time with Mark, and dealing with my selfishness. As much as I want a squishy faced little bundle of joy, I want Mark and my time with him more. I don’t think anyone realizes how selfish they are until they seriously contemplate having children and the time and sacrifices they require. I know that it will be worth it, but these are the thoughts swirling the brain of a woman contemplating motherhood. Like I said I don’t talk about this much to others. My dad and siblings get WAY too giddy at the thought of a baby and other friends dole out their own version of advice from their unique perspectives. I have a friend who is pregnant with her second child and whom I have known for 13 years and a new friend who is a few years older than me, been married a few years longer, and has the same thoughts swirling her mind. These women I share my desire with because I can trust them and because they hear the ticking as loud as I do, but love their husbands deeply as well. And because they aren’t pushy (ok preggers is getting a little pushy the more pregnant she becomes but I get it) and they don’t act like they have all the answers.

Looking for pics sure made that clock seem louder!
How about you? Do you think there is value in having a couple years of childless marriage? Or do you think that a baby is one of the first objectives of marriage? Do you think all married Christians are required to have children? Can a couple be devoted to God and choose not to have children? Am I the only one who can hear that darned clock?

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