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Saturday, November 7, 2015

I am not My Mountain

Recently in the online infertility support group I’m a part of, there was a thread asking everyone to introduce ourselves.  The specifics were, how long have you been married, where you live, how long have you been trying to conceive, and what your diagnosis is. 

I am blessed by this group.  It is a group of Christian women, struggling to conceive, but believing in the power of God.  I joined in the last 4 weeks and I look forward to getting to know these women who understand the desire to hold a child and the weariness that comes with waiting. So I really like the idea of knowing more about the lives of the women I was praying for and who are praying for me.  But I worry, when waiting for a miracle; we are giving too much power to medical diagnosis.  I’m not saying cancer patients shouldn’t seek treatment or that diabetics should throw out their insulin; don’t get me wrong.  But I am saying, when God whispers the promise of children to you and your loved ones, why not believe that promise by living it; speaking it? Why not put your faith in God’s word and not a test. 

Proverbs 18 tells us the power of the tongue, that words are dainty morsels that go down into the body to be remembered.  Jesus told his disciples (and I am His disciple), that they can speak to a mountain telling it to move, and by their faith, it will move.  Faith comes by hearing (Romans 10:17), and I want people to hear and have faith in the children that God has promised us.  I can’t speak to the mountains in my life and then claim them as truth. I can’t believe that I can move mountains in the name of Jesus and give those same mountains power by claiming them as my identity.  My identity is in Christ.  I am a blood bought child of the living God. I am a wife. I am (currently) a South Dakotan. And, I am a mother to a child(ren) I have not met yet.  I am not infertile. I am not childless.  I am not a test result or a diagnosis.  I am not my mountain.

As Christians, we all accept that if we believe in Christ as our Savior, we must acknowledge and confess our belief to activate our salvation (Romans 10:8-10).  It does not seem silly that our salvation depends upon a confession.  Why should it then seem silly to confess an unseen promise? If we are indeed more than conquerors, shouldn’t we confess that as such? I refuse to confess what the world and the enemy wants me to believe.  It is for this reason; I did answer part of the question.  Some time ago, Mark had requested we not go through testing, because if you go far enough down the rabbit hole, you will eventually find something.  I agreed for some time, but I got lazy in my faith and as announcements of other pregnancies rolled in and children who were conceived since we’ve been trying had birthdays, I fell into depression and desperation and I asked that we move forward with testing and treatment, and Mark, who didn’t like seeing his wife cry all the time, agreed.  I hesitate on how much more I tell you.  Words are powerful.  We eventually stumbled upon one not great result, and I regret lamenting it to the handful of people who know about it.  I regret letting my fear take over my faith and giving one inclusive test power.  As I already stated.  We are not infertile.  God has promised us children.

I write this less for the women in my support group and people across the interwebs. I write it more for the people who we know in real life.  This is for the friends and family who avoid the topic and me and my husband all together.  This is for those of you who are afraid of our pain and tears; those who would rather text than call.  I know we make you uncomfortable.  While we fully believe that God is bringing us children, the waiting is still painful, especially for me.  I know my pain isn’t easy for you; it’s pretty difficult for me.  I’m not asking you to stop avoiding me, I’m not asking you to finally call and to actually ask how I’m doing in the waiting.  I have to let that go; God also calls me to not hold on to resentment.  I know you’re all praying for us.  But I’m not sure you’re praying correctly.  So I’m asking you to stop.  If you are simply praying that I can handle childlessness, that we can find a way to deal, I want you to stop.  We have a way to deal; His name is Jesus, and He has promised us an abundant life, a life with children.  If you are praying for us, simply pray that God not tarry in sending the babies He has planned for us.  Thank Him for our children, thank Him for making miracles happen and providing the babies we can’t yet see.  Praise His goodness in making us fruitful.  If you cannot pray like that, please do not include Mark and I in your prayers.  Do not give your doubts power; I’m not.