Sunday, July 24, 2011

Schism Sunday XIII: Politicians & Stalkers

You know you want ME!
Bend over...I'll drive!
A couple of things have been on my mind during the last week: Politicians and Stalkers. Politicians because of the debt ceiling quagmire that is currently inundating twitter and other social media; and Stalkers because a good blogger friend of ours has been targeted by some cyber-psycho who has apparently watched “Play Misty for Me” and “Fatal Attraction” one too many times.

Personally, I feel neither one these popcorn farts are worth a blog of their own, so I decided to roll them together into a kind of compare and contrast blog that will probably end up looking like the customer who has just gotten a straight razor shave from an epileptic barber. My goal is to make this post as intellectually and visually appealing as a bloody bowel movement. Dare to Dream!

The first comparison I want to make between the politician and the stalker is that both of them seem hell-bent on screwing you! Now this could be physically, electronically, by proxy, or via direct extortion/theft. But by whichever means or method they choose, you can almost guarantee it will be invasive and without lubrication.

Secondly, there is a very good chance that both of these wing nuts will send you a tweet, text, or email containing a picture of them stark-butt naked. I probably don’t need to elaborate on this one. #Weinergate

Lastly, both the politician and the stalker are parasitic by nature. In the beginning it may seem there is a chance for a symbiotic relationship…Hell, you might even think they care about you! However, you eventually learn they are only interested in their own special interests/needs- and you are basically a honey pot to their Winnie the Pooh for them to extract what they want, when they want. Umm Honey!

In contrast a politician wears a three-piece suit and lives in a mansion; while the stalker is probably only wearing his favorite shat-stained boxers and lives in his parents basement.

The stalker relies on his mother to prepare his meals and is often heard yelling: “Mom-Meatloaf…I want it now!” While the politician relies on the tax payers for their meals (and they sure as hell are not eating meatloaf!)

The politician has a rich diversified financial portfolio that will provide for them long after their political career ends. The stalker portfolio consists of pirated MP3’s, porn, and an impressive collection of both empty and semi-full bottles of Jergens® lotion. I would also be remiss if I did not mention their other hard assets which include multiple sticky non-working keyboards, and 5 or more copies of The Catcher in the Rye.

Now it’s your turn! We need your comments!

Have you ever had a stalker?
What is your opinion of politicians and/or stalkers?
Are there any comparisons or contrasts you would add?

The best comments will receive much Twitter praise with links to your own blog/website if you have one. Our twitter account has over 27,000 followers. I can also guarantee you at least 100 unique visitors and perhaps even one cyber stalker!