Monday, March 21, 2011

Does your church Kick Butt?

Is your church relevant and/or cutting edge? In these rough times when churches seem to need just a little more than Jesus, new ways of staying relevant are popping up in sanctuaries near you. Answering the following questions can help you determine if your church is relevant, in other words these questions can help you decide if your church kicks a$$!

  • Does your church have a hip coffee bar complete with parishioner barristas trained in secrecy liken to that of the masons?

  • Are your youth rooms outfitted with amusement park quality video games and pool tables where prayer wagers can be made?

  • Does your church have a place called “The Basement” that resembles the grunge epicenter that the likes of Kurt Cobain would been proud to play at?

  • Does you sound and light system rival your city’s auditorium and take enough voltage it can drain your neighborhood grid? Has the altar at your church become indiscernible during worship because of the high intensity of the fog machines?

  • Does your worship band resemble No Doubt, The Jonas Brothers, Pink Floyd, or all the above?

  • Does your pastor wear $600 Italian loafers and dress like Ralph Lauren himself? Does his wife come on stage dripping with so many diamonds that it creates an involuntary move of the Holy Spirit?

  • Is your pastor packing heat? And not afraid to show it?

  • Do your church leaders show up at controversial protests both city and state-wide? Does your pastor spend more time in the press than in the pulpit?

  • Have you stopped having any opinions of your own? Have you stopped referencing the Bible and started quoting sermons? Hour 3 of sermon 9.13.09

  • Is there an hazing period during membership class where you have to publicly prove you’ve had all the outward manifestations of the Holy Spirit? Is there a minimum salary requirement to become members?

  • Is the Holy Spirit’s presence so strong at your church it literally scares the crap out of people?

  • Does your church host super bowl parties in the sanctuary?

  • Does your church host yearly galas where you’re required to arrive in a limo or you’re not allowed in?

  • Does your church have a $10 million worship center on 20 acres of prime retail real estate?

  • Can you download interactive sermon apps right to your smart phone?

  • Does your church have stadium seating equipped with fully reclining chairs and dual cup holders?

  • Has your church ever had to lock the doors of the sanctuary to keep the Holy Spirit from pouring out into the streets?

  • Is there a mosh-pit like crowd at the altar during the most intense moments of worship?

  • Does your church openly despise Muslims, democrats, gays, and the poor?

  • Does your pastor have his own security guards that look like ex-secret service personnel?

  • Does your church have a statistical analysis for movements of the Holy Spirit and salvations for each quarter?

  • Does your church rail against every other denomination and call them false religions and dead?

Have you determined if you are proud member of one of the more relevant churches today? What makes your church awesome in these difficult times? Please share with us ways your church has stayed relevant and hip in today’s cutting edge culture.

**This blog was a joint collaboration of both the husband and wife (Mark and Carla) bloggers of The Three Fold Cord.