Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Holy Ghost----> Are things supposed to be this Scary?

If you belong to one of those denominations and/or churches that keep the Holy Ghost bound in the back room with the communion wafers, anointing oil, and the wine (or grape juice-lest I offend), you have a holy obligation to let your pastor or priest know: “The Holy Ghost is Back…Now let Him Loose!”

I remember when I was 14 years old, I visited my friends parents church, which just so happened to be a “Holy Ghost” filled Pentecostal church. After the last worship song was finished, a hush fell over the sanctuary. It was the kind of hush where you could hear someone’s stomach rumbling from four pews away, as well as many other bodily functions. The pastor was in the pulpit, lifting his hands to heaven, which I just assumed was some pre-sermon calisthenics or attempts to channel the divine. But then suddenly, like a thunder-clap from heaven, the pastor began speaking, very loudly, in some sort of barbarous language that sounded like a cross between yodeling and pig-Latin. Now I had no idea what that man was yelling, but I will say-that this mysterious tongue really set the congregation ablaze (or perhaps a better descriptor would be “a-daze!”) For as soon as these strange orations hit the parishioners ears, they started dropping to the floor like flies. My first thought was that there was some sort of gas being pumped through the ventilation system causing everyone to pass out; so I held my breath and dropped to my knees. Out of the corner of my eye I could see people crawling around the sanctuary, and the room was filled with the most awful sounds of moaning, wailing, and lots of other indiscernible gibberish. I then looked to my friend sitting next to me who did not seem to be the least bit worried. Apparently he had been through this holy ghost-fallout-drill a time or two. As soon as he looked at me and smiled, a spirit of teenage laughter took over our bodies that was so strong it almost brought on another spirit called- incontinence!

Since that time I have been in churches where the Holy Ghost has supposedly brought on Spiritual drunkenness, Spiritual laughter, or the Spirit of causing someone to get up and run around the sanctuary like  an epileptic on fire. I was also privy to watching the Holy Ghost supposedly glue a parishioners feet to the floor for an entire sermon! Now many brave strong men tried to free him, but when the Holy Spirit glues your feet to the carpet, trust me, no man can put that asunder!

Also, when my wife was a teenager, she attended a youth conference where she learned that if you are ever caught up in the “Spirit of Laughter”, and you are hyperventilating, slowly breathe in H-O-L-Y….And  slowly breathe out S-P-I-R-I-T. This way you will not pass out and cause yourself undo holy injury. Though getting battered and bruised while being caught up in the "spirit" is closely related to the Catholic Stigmata, which I hear is admirable.

In closing, I would love to hear your thoughts, opinions, and experiences in regards the Holy Spirit, and the appropriateness of the various manifestations. Thank you for reading and commenting!